It’s tough to generate sales without advertising, but advertising comes with costs. When you’re dealing dope, sometimes those costs include jail.

Two out-of-state attendees of the 16th annual Gathering of the Juggalos were indicted in Licking County Common Pleas Court after their advertising caught the attention of the sheriff’s office.

You mean you haven’t heard about the Gathering of the Juggalos? It’s an annual music festival for devotees of the Insane Clown Posse, the Detroit-based horrorcore hip-hop duo of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope.

For a mental picture, imagine yourself at a Grateful Dead show. Now, imagine a Grateful Dead show while on a bad acid trip, where everyone else is wearing evil clown makeup and the band is spraying you with liters of Faygo soda.

For the past two years, this spectacle has taken place at Legend Valley Concert Venue and Campground in Thornville in Licking County. Central Ohio is an interesting place. But let’s get back to our advertisers.

The first, a young man from the great state of Maine, was charged with cocaine trafficking during this year’s festival, July 22-25. Authorities say they know this to be true because they saw him holding up a sign that read “Cocaine” and watched him sell cocaine to people.

On top of all that, they say, he sold cocaine to an undercover detective, after the detective asked what he was selling and he replied, “Cocaine. You want some?”

The second salesman, a 19-year-old lad from Massachusetts, hit upon that advertising sweet spot where signage meets cleavage.

According to court records, this guy was “sitting on an access road next to a topless female baring the writing of ‘Molly for Sale’ written across her chest.”

“Molly,” for readers not up on their drug lingo, is slang for MDMA, a psychoactive drug, which deputies say they found in the suspect’s backpack.

Before anyone asks, the Justice Insider doesn’t know whether the young lady was perhaps named Molly. She and her business partner bolted when they realized they were busted. He was quickly caught, but she — unfettered by clothing on her upper half — got away, no doubt pursued by a breathless flock of concert-goers hoping to score some Molly.

As for the defendant, he “was interviewed and admitted to selling drugs for gas money.”

A menacing report at a Far West Side drive-thru beer store on Saturday? Hmmm, that sounds promising. Let’s take a look-see:

“Suspect #2/Victim #4 stated he accidentally overcharged Victim #1/Suspect #6 and gave him $70 in cash. Suspect #2/Victim #4 stated he counted the cash back when he gave it to Victim #1/Suspect #6. Suspect #2/Victim #4 stated Victim #1/Suspect #6 left and returned later with Victim #2/Suspect #5 and Victim #3/Suspect #4 and ...”

Oh never mind.

A completely random assortment of items shoplifted over the weekend from stores throughout Columbus:

• Four rolls of toilet paper from a Dollar General.

• A case of Bud from a Speedway.

• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Glade air freshener from a Wal-Mart. Also, from the same Wal-Mart, eyeliner and some socks.

• “Three window coverings” and “two window covering valances with clip rings” from J.C. Penney.

After all, one must hide such nefarious deeds behind drawn curtains.

Adam Lee Nemann
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Trial and Defense Attorney, Adjunct Professor of Law at Capital University, founder of Nemann Law Offices
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